4m0w7_cy

I don't know what to do. I'm so exhaused both academically and socially. I don't feel like I'm going to school for myself anymore and I don't like my life. I just want to afford to live on my own in my own apartment, have a nice job, and be able to be creative. I feel like I'm losing myself the longer I stay in school, I hate this feeling so much. I've been going for a bachlors for almost 5 years now and I'm not even half way done, I think imma take the L and get an asociates instead. I hate this so much!!! I feel like I wasted so much time, but I had no choice as I was and still am going to school on my mom's dime, so she calls the shots... I can't take it anymore because I know she's going to act like she's the one responsable and who pushed me to suceed when all I've wanted was a break from school and never had the option. I feel trapped but honestly? I think I have a plan to get out. I want to get an asociates, begin parateaching, get a letter of reccomendation move to a different school distric in the town I ACTUALLY want to live in, and start living on my own. I think this will take.. Two years give or take?? I don't think that's a crazy goal!! I think I can do it! And I won't work weekends so I can dedicate time to being creative!! I think I can achieve my goal of moving out by 25 if I start parteaching and saving up! I'm turning 23 this November, but I think I can finish my associates by then or even this semester I shall see!! I gotta make a phone call tomorow and if I can graduate now I think I will. It sucks I wasted time, but it wasn't an option within the box my mom confined me to. So was I really wasting time?
I dream of a future where I live alone in a cabin with hardwood floors, I have a chihuahua, and possibly a cat. A well trained sweet apple head chihuahua named dumplin who I will love very much!! As for the cat I'll befriend an outdoor cat like I always have, I've tried to make them indorrs but they've never liked the idea... I want to live somewhere warm where I can bike and swim. Where I can sun bathe and read a book. Somewhere with a nice community and good thift stores! And delicious mexican food! I have a dream that I must work for, I will make it happen!! My life will have purpose and I won't live in my mother's shadow any longer!!

Current Mood: distressed
Current Location: in my chair
Current Music: Wild Horses - The Sundays

Ok so, I turned 22 and honestly? I'm not happy with where I am at all.. My anxiety is really bad again, I feel unaccomplished, I'm extremely tired and lazy, and I was in a much better state a year ago. It's honestly incredebly embarrasing to admit… I want to have a routine, oh and my watch screen shattered! (I just found a replacement, fingers crossed the seller gets back to me and answers my question before buying. Anyways…) I thought by now I would still be drawing, reading, going outside more, because I was doing all that and more last fall. Also my acne got worse too :( IDK!! I've been dealing with some existential dread lately, as well as intense-extreme shame. I just.. Thought I would have accomplished more.
To be fair though, I've mainly been feeling shame about my academic progress, but for my first two years of college I was a whole different major. As for my social decline, last year I didn't have a literal stranger in my house who unintentionally gave me negative social status and drained me of any kindness I had left. That mf legit was my last straw of extending good will and favors for new people. I've blocked off making new friends since, they fucked me over soooo bad in the cosplay community I'm so pissed!!! Whatever whatever!! I was planning on coming back to cosplay hard core, but now I've resigned myself to the fact I won't be cosplaying for the forseeable future.. That's a whole different can of worms, but good news! Today my dad was able to move all their belongs out of our house, so they are officially gone and out of my walls!! HORRAY!! Another update from the future: that mf also lied on the day they fucked up the con. They implied that they where stranded at con when in reality their dad would be there the following day. Their dad who they claimed was abusive, who in reality wasn't but didn't want me to know, so they never mentioned they would come home safely as to not let me know about their dad being at the con… FUCK!!! IF THEY HAD JUST BEEN HONEST I MAY STILL GO TO CONVENTIONS, BUT OF COURSE THEY LACK SELF AWARENESS OR ACCOUNTABILITY!!! Whatever… Back to the vent sesh…
As for accomplishments, yeah I dunno.. I thought by now I'd be writting my comic, but honestly I'm super burnt out. I'm super ashamed about it too. I really hate where I'm at this year. I wanted to go to an entirely different college, but my mom (who I'm entirely financially dependant on for college) said no way and would only allow me to go to a college two hours away. Two hours away from anything I find comfort in, the towns I've learned to drive in, my friends, hell my job!! I'm just… Very unhappy, and the only way I'm going to be happy is if I get my bachlors, get a stable job, and go low contact with my mom. Oh and I got accepted today to the CSU so my fate pretty much sealed. However, I do have two of my own connections down there atm, so there's that at least. It may not be much but when I told some people my anxieties about being in a new town away from my friends they opened their homes to me to come visit.
Also this tutoring job is so ass!! I'll go in expecting to have two hours of work and straight up one of my students came up to the desk and canceled right then and there. So I only got one hour of work, after driving down 45 minutes to got to work!!!! GAH!!! I'm really hoping I can work at this local pizza place two of my friends are at, if I get that job I'm not coming back to the tutoring job in the spring. I'm so fucking exhausted honestly. I don't know how last year I'd get up at 6am, get on the commuter bus, and get home between 5 and 7pm. I'd also pack my lunches too, like??? I'm so behind… I'm working a seasonal weekend job atm, but once this job is over I'm going to be broke as ever. I only have 3 more weeks at my tutoring job and I am PRAYING I get the local pizza place job. I may also apply for this donut shop as well. We shall see we shall see… Well anyway, life has been kicking my ass recently. But at least I'm not as selfish, cruel, or straight up as entitled as my mom. She's honestly such a cunt sometimes!!

Current Mood: stressed
Current Location: in my bed
Current Music: Perfect - Alanis Morissette

I'm finally an English tutor!! In spring I took the prep class to be a tutor, and now this fall semester I've been doing all the paperwork and observations to be a tutor. So exciting!! Today is my first day being on the schedule, but I don't have any actual students yet lol. In three weeks I'll be working my seasonal job again, so I'm looking forward to that as well. I have some bills to pay before the end of the year, but with both of my incomes I do think that is possible. I'm still a bit bummed about moving away next fall, but it doesn't feel as hopeless as it once did. I guess I'm just stating the obvious right now.. I still do not have a clear idea of the path I want to take in the future.
I do think I will stay in California, maybe I will teach outside of the US a few times, you know before I die, it would be fun to say I've done that you know? But being an international teacher is no longer my goal. I want to be able to come back to a home. I don't want to be forced to be a nomad and get rid of all my possessions each time I move to a new country for work. I will probably keep all my belongings in a storage unit in the meantime though. Until I'm able to own a house. Another thing I would like is to own a cabin cruiser in the bay area. IDK!! I feel like that would be sooo fun!! Being able to take a day trip to SF or something and sleep in my lil boat~ By the time I want to do that, probably in 5-10 years, I'll have the means to do so. I mean there's a lot of schools in the bay so I don't think it would be overly difficult to find a job as a tutor or as a teacher, while living on my boat. When looking for a house though, I'm thinking somewhere between Grass Valley or Tahoe? I've always wanted to live in a cabin in the woods. I'd love to live like Ursula from Kiki's Delivery Service, but I cannot find any listings for homes like that near the ocean or within an hour's drive of the sea sadly.. That would be my ultimate dream.. Sigh </3..
There's also a marina 40 min away from my current job. It looks like a lot of the other tutors here (a community college) left to finish their degrees, then come back to work here full time? Maybe that is an option.. If I were to work here full time in the future, I'd look into the marina again. I mean currently It's an hour commute to my job from my home, so 40 min wouldn't be too crazy, also it's all back roads so who knows? I would like that to be my future, even if just temporary. Anyways, I'm starting to get peckish so I'll stop here for now. Much pondering to do!

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Location: campus library
Current Music: Tom's Diner - DNA, Suzzanne Vega

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February 2026

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