Some Updates
Nov. 26th, 2025 10:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
4m0w7_cy Ok so, I turned 22 and honestly? I'm not happy with where I am at all.. My anxiety is really bad again, I feel unaccomplished, I'm extremely tired and lazy, and I was in a much better state a year ago. It's honestly incredebly embarrasing to admit… I want to have a routine, oh and my watch screen shattered! (I just found a replacement, fingers crossed the seller gets back to me and answers my question before buying. Anyways…) I thought by now I would still be drawing, reading, going outside more, because I was doing all that and more last fall. Also my acne got worse too :( IDK!! I've been dealing with some existential dread lately, as well as intense-extreme shame. I just.. Thought I would have accomplished more.
To be fair though, I've mainly been feeling shame about my academic progress, but for my first two years of college I was a whole different major. As for my social decline, last year I didn't have a literal stranger in my house who unintentionally gave me negative social status and drained me of any kindness I had left. That mf legit was my last straw of extending good will and favors for new people. I've blocked off making new friends since, they fucked me over soooo bad in the cosplay community I'm so pissed!!! Whatever whatever!! I was planning on coming back to cosplay hard core, but now I've resigned myself to the fact I won't be cosplaying for the forseeable future.. That's a whole different can of worms, but good news! Today my dad was able to move all their belongs out of our house, so they are officially gone and out of my walls!! HORRAY!! Another update from the future: that mf also lied on the day they fucked up the con. They implied that they where stranded at con when in reality their dad would be there the following day. Their dad who they claimed was abusive, who in reality wasn't but didn't want me to know, so they never mentioned they would come home safely as to not let me know about their dad being at the con… FUCK!!! IF THEY HAD JUST BEEN HONEST I MAY STILL GO TO CONVENTIONS, BUT OF COURSE THEY LACK SELF AWARENESS OR ACCOUNTABILITY!!! Whatever… Back to the vent sesh…
As for accomplishments, yeah I dunno.. I thought by now I'd be writting my comic, but honestly I'm super burnt out. I'm super ashamed about it too. I really hate where I'm at this year. I wanted to go to an entirely different college, but my mom (who I'm entirely financially dependant on for college) said no way and would only allow me to go to a college two hours away. Two hours away from anything I find comfort in, the towns I've learned to drive in, my friends, hell my job!! I'm just… Very unhappy, and the only way I'm going to be happy is if I get my bachlors, get a stable job, and go low contact with my mom. Oh and I got accepted today to the CSU so my fate pretty much sealed. However, I do have two of my own connections down there atm, so there's that at least. It may not be much but when I told some people my anxieties about being in a new town away from my friends they opened their homes to me to come visit.
Also this tutoring job is so ass!! I'll go in expecting to have two hours of work and straight up one of my students came up to the desk and canceled right then and there. So I only got one hour of work, after driving down 45 minutes to got to work!!!! GAH!!! I'm really hoping I can work at this local pizza place two of my friends are at, if I get that job I'm not coming back to the tutoring job in the spring. I'm so fucking exhausted honestly. I don't know how last year I'd get up at 6am, get on the commuter bus, and get home between 5 and 7pm. I'd also pack my lunches too, like??? I'm so behind… I'm working a seasonal weekend job atm, but once this job is over I'm going to be broke as ever. I only have 3 more weeks at my tutoring job and I am PRAYING I get the local pizza place job. I may also apply for this donut shop as well. We shall see we shall see… Well anyway, life has been kicking my ass recently. But at least I'm not as selfish, cruel, or straight up as entitled as my mom. She's honestly such a cunt sometimes!!
To be fair though, I've mainly been feeling shame about my academic progress, but for my first two years of college I was a whole different major. As for my social decline, last year I didn't have a literal stranger in my house who unintentionally gave me negative social status and drained me of any kindness I had left. That mf legit was my last straw of extending good will and favors for new people. I've blocked off making new friends since, they fucked me over soooo bad in the cosplay community I'm so pissed!!! Whatever whatever!! I was planning on coming back to cosplay hard core, but now I've resigned myself to the fact I won't be cosplaying for the forseeable future.. That's a whole different can of worms, but good news! Today my dad was able to move all their belongs out of our house, so they are officially gone and out of my walls!! HORRAY!! Another update from the future: that mf also lied on the day they fucked up the con. They implied that they where stranded at con when in reality their dad would be there the following day. Their dad who they claimed was abusive, who in reality wasn't but didn't want me to know, so they never mentioned they would come home safely as to not let me know about their dad being at the con… FUCK!!! IF THEY HAD JUST BEEN HONEST I MAY STILL GO TO CONVENTIONS, BUT OF COURSE THEY LACK SELF AWARENESS OR ACCOUNTABILITY!!! Whatever… Back to the vent sesh…
As for accomplishments, yeah I dunno.. I thought by now I'd be writting my comic, but honestly I'm super burnt out. I'm super ashamed about it too. I really hate where I'm at this year. I wanted to go to an entirely different college, but my mom (who I'm entirely financially dependant on for college) said no way and would only allow me to go to a college two hours away. Two hours away from anything I find comfort in, the towns I've learned to drive in, my friends, hell my job!! I'm just… Very unhappy, and the only way I'm going to be happy is if I get my bachlors, get a stable job, and go low contact with my mom. Oh and I got accepted today to the CSU so my fate pretty much sealed. However, I do have two of my own connections down there atm, so there's that at least. It may not be much but when I told some people my anxieties about being in a new town away from my friends they opened their homes to me to come visit.
Also this tutoring job is so ass!! I'll go in expecting to have two hours of work and straight up one of my students came up to the desk and canceled right then and there. So I only got one hour of work, after driving down 45 minutes to got to work!!!! GAH!!! I'm really hoping I can work at this local pizza place two of my friends are at, if I get that job I'm not coming back to the tutoring job in the spring. I'm so fucking exhausted honestly. I don't know how last year I'd get up at 6am, get on the commuter bus, and get home between 5 and 7pm. I'd also pack my lunches too, like??? I'm so behind… I'm working a seasonal weekend job atm, but once this job is over I'm going to be broke as ever. I only have 3 more weeks at my tutoring job and I am PRAYING I get the local pizza place job. I may also apply for this donut shop as well. We shall see we shall see… Well anyway, life has been kicking my ass recently. But at least I'm not as selfish, cruel, or straight up as entitled as my mom. She's honestly such a cunt sometimes!!
