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4m0w7_cy Recently my life got turned upside down, and honestly? I'm really scared for my future. Long story short my mom is a narcissist, she wants me out of the house next fall at a csu two hours away, but I don't have any savings nor a reliable job, and on top of that she wants me to be financially dependant on her during my time at the csu.. When for my entire life she's withheld money from me when I needed help the most and she loves taking things back at the last minute so I have to grovel and ask for her help.. She gets such a huge kick out of my begging for forgiveness even when I've done no wrong.. She is incappable of doing any self reflection and pushes me into a corner when I don't give her what she wants at the snap of her fingers. She will literally not back off at all when I politely tell her "no" or insinuate something is simply not her buisness, she'll then stop with the coy fox act and immeadately threaten to make me homeless.
One time she offered to be my ride to college, this was before I had my drivers licence, and she knew I had no other way of getting to school. This lasted only two months before we got into a petty arguement on the way home one night over the word "camp" I shit you not... She said that I/the entirety of gen z was appropriating millenial language... I should mention this woman is white so I guess this was the only way to make herself a minority facing descrimination... I just wanted to end the conversation with "agree to disagree, language shifts with time. So slang you used is now used differently by people my age, and thats perfectly normal." She did not like that... She then told me how she didn't want to give someone a ride who she didn't want to talk to, or that couldn't respect language. Practically making it impossible for me to get to my college campus unless I apologized for this stupid stupid conversation. I decided instead to do research and ended up finding out I could use a commuter bus to get to campus instead of using my mom as a ride. Granted I had to get up at 6am now, but it meant I wouldn't be stranded.
After that I told my mom I wouldn't be needing her for a ride. I remember her being a bit taken aback by that fact that I didn't need a ride anymore. After a while she reworked that whole incident in her head that she encouraged me to be more independant, she helped me figure out the commuter bus, and that she was to be credited by my new found skill of understanding public transit. All lies mind you, that woman is vile. She's a disgusting human being and I am so revoled at the fact that I have to admit I'm related to her. I've tried time and time again to give her the benifit of the doubt. I mean, who doesn't wish to have a good relationship with both their parents? I know she has a lot of mental/physical health issues, but every time without fail she pulls the rug from under me and I crumble to the floor. I just feel stupid for trying to see the good in her after all these years of her proving point blank she does not love me. I hate her.
One time she offered to be my ride to college, this was before I had my drivers licence, and she knew I had no other way of getting to school. This lasted only two months before we got into a petty arguement on the way home one night over the word "camp" I shit you not... She said that I/the entirety of gen z was appropriating millenial language... I should mention this woman is white so I guess this was the only way to make herself a minority facing descrimination... I just wanted to end the conversation with "agree to disagree, language shifts with time. So slang you used is now used differently by people my age, and thats perfectly normal." She did not like that... She then told me how she didn't want to give someone a ride who she didn't want to talk to, or that couldn't respect language. Practically making it impossible for me to get to my college campus unless I apologized for this stupid stupid conversation. I decided instead to do research and ended up finding out I could use a commuter bus to get to campus instead of using my mom as a ride. Granted I had to get up at 6am now, but it meant I wouldn't be stranded.
After that I told my mom I wouldn't be needing her for a ride. I remember her being a bit taken aback by that fact that I didn't need a ride anymore. After a while she reworked that whole incident in her head that she encouraged me to be more independant, she helped me figure out the commuter bus, and that she was to be credited by my new found skill of understanding public transit. All lies mind you, that woman is vile. She's a disgusting human being and I am so revoled at the fact that I have to admit I'm related to her. I've tried time and time again to give her the benifit of the doubt. I mean, who doesn't wish to have a good relationship with both their parents? I know she has a lot of mental/physical health issues, but every time without fail she pulls the rug from under me and I crumble to the floor. I just feel stupid for trying to see the good in her after all these years of her proving point blank she does not love me. I hate her.
I just wish my mom would love me without condition, she's so awful. Her life is awful, for years she's put a wedge between me and my best friend. Thankfully it's never worked, but it still hasn't helped our friendship. I think it has to do with her relationship with her best friend. They used to be so close when I was little, but now whenever I hear my mom on the phone with her best friend she's always bitching or arguing. I can't think of the last time my mom has spoken positively about her best friend. It's crazy.. She's 42 and she has no real friends, my worst nightmare is waking up one day realzing I'm exactly her. It haunts me. Thankfully I look like my dad so I never see my mom in the mirror, but.. I have her laugh, I have her laugh so she'll always haunt me when I'm my happiest. How ironic and cruel? Ha ha ha. Maybe she hopes if I move far away my best friend and I will drift apart enough that she'll be able to worm her way into my head and make me as miserable as her. She's a parasite who feeds of having power over people just as pathetically miserable as her.
Thankfully my best friend and I are on good terms, for context my best friend and her sister (who is also a close friend of mine) lives with me in my mom's house. She has been living as my roomate for 5 years and her sister for 2, and I got manipulated by my mom thinking that this want for me to go to a csu was an "oportunity for growth" when in realitiy it was a "I want y'all the fuck outta my house because you don't benefit me anymore". I was a bit passive agressive when both my roomates where saying we where getting kicked out, and in hindsight I was really fucking stupid. I'm so embarred by my pasts words/actions.. Thankfully bot of them had some grace and told me I fucked up, and also let me apologize. I don't know if they've truely accepted my apology, but I have to accept that. I'm just thankful they are talking to me again and hopefully won't go no contact with me after they move out. If we do go no contact at this point it'll be for our own safety due to my mom wanting to harrase them in their new apartment or harrass me for still being friends with them.
My best friend told me about the apartments they are considering and I hope it works out for both of them, I really do wish them the best even if I'm not there physically I'll be there in spirit. I'm so worried about moving into a dorm and having to strangers. I hope I get along with them but I'll miss my best friend and her sister, those two are practically my sisters. I'll miss their little dog too.. I love her so much, I'm too neglectfull to have my own pets so it's been nice loving on a cute lil dog without having to be responsible for her wellbeing. I'm tired but in a much better mood than when I started this entry. So I'm going to take this as an opportunity to go to bed now. Good night!
My best friend told me about the apartments they are considering and I hope it works out for both of them, I really do wish them the best even if I'm not there physically I'll be there in spirit. I'm so worried about moving into a dorm and having to strangers. I hope I get along with them but I'll miss my best friend and her sister, those two are practically my sisters. I'll miss their little dog too.. I love her so much, I'm too neglectfull to have my own pets so it's been nice loving on a cute lil dog without having to be responsible for her wellbeing. I'm tired but in a much better mood than when I started this entry. So I'm going to take this as an opportunity to go to bed now. Good night!
